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Got stuff to say.
Aug. 29th, 2018 12:52 pmAnd I suddenly realize, this is where I can say Stuff, that maybe I need to say, and maybe someone will listen and respond to, but mostly, I can say it.
Obviously, it has been a long time since i took the time to say anything, so this is as much a review since who knows when. And it’s not going to come as news to most of anyone who reads it, though some of it may.
It starts with goodness. In March, I started a new job. Full time, working on and cleaning and driving ReachNow cars. Which is a car share service, not unlike Car2Go.
And, a week after that, like the fourth day of my training, my father died.
This was not a surprise. He had a bad turn in December, and has been manifesting Alzheimer’s / Dementia for years. Some aspects of it were maybe apparent even before the official diagnosis. My relationship and stuff with dad is ... at least a post series of it’s own. There was love and anger and disappointment and heartbreak and pride and ... well. All the stuff that is well within the spectrum of normalcy for a relationship between father and son, though it being “normal” is not really comforting. Maybe that can be the theme of the memorial? That all the crap and awesome was painful and awesome by turn, and special to us, unique to us, and at the same time, woven into the fabric of our time and place and culture.
So, I took the day of his death off from work, got some stuff done, spent time with friends. Couple weeks later, took a weekend with my family. All my brothers, which is unusual (Mike lives in the Virgin Islands, so getting to the west coast is a non trivial task). It was awesome. And i found out that Joe and Julie are getting divorced, which is ... not my favorite thing ever and largely not mine. But a little bit mine, because I love them both and I want this to not be necessary, and it is not mine to change or do anything about. It is, always easier to fix other people than fix myself.
Last week, C asked me if i was working late. I told her I was, getting off at 11pm. I didn’t know why, though I had ... vague thoughts of coming home to find a meal or something waiting for me. What actually happened is that, as soon as I got off, she texted me that Aya died. Aya was her cat, who lived with her, and therefore, us, while we lived in the 1BR. He was a big, wierd, loud cat. He and Shiva fought a lot, at first, ignored each other for months afterwards, tolerated one another, and then cuddled. There was head licking. It was trancendentally cute. And, also, he loved to hang out in my lap. Even after they moved out, he would come to me for lap and cuddle time when I visited. And when she or I went out of town, Aya came here or Shiva went there, and they reaquainted themselves with each other.
He was a good cat, and I loved him, and I am sorry he is gone.
Home again. Work progressed, I learned a lot, I got a lot done. Time passed, my schedule settled down, I logged a fair bit of overtime. There was drama and a shake up as people slightly further up the ladder left and or got let go. And, not too long ago, they posted an opening for a lead technician, and i applied, interviewed, talked about what I bring to it and what I want to do and how I want to do it, and they said great, go for it. And they even had the announcement, four or five weeks ago. Then I got paid Friday, and... no change. The first paycheck since the promotion, and no change.
But there are two new guys in the office doing stuff that says “we are in charge here, now, and do this”. It’s mostly stuff I am have been doing, anyway. And when I mentioned to one of the new boss type guys that there are lead techs to count on for getting stuff done, he shot me down. He said, in no uncertain terms that I am NOT a lead tech, that I never was. That I applied, and was denied. Which is not remotely my experience, but more to the point, not his place to say. I mean, he said that he only knows half the story, so he doesn’t want to say too much, but then he said that. Makes me re evaluate my place in the company. But then, I sleep as late as I want, I get to wear a kilt to work, and I am good at what I do. I need not panic. It’s been six months. This maybe not a forever job, but it is a good job for now, and given where i was before this, this is just a bump. I don’t like it, but it is not so much as all that.
So. Yah. A lot of stuff, and this is just the couple things weighing on me right now. I got my chores done, and I still have time, and therfore, I feel like I need to Do ... something. Something I can call Adulting, even if it is just writing, trying to find a name and a place for my anxiety and hurt and love.
Oh, yah. That’s a big part of it. My parents anniversary is ... tomorrow? So, calling Mom is a thing i need to do.
Obviously, it has been a long time since i took the time to say anything, so this is as much a review since who knows when. And it’s not going to come as news to most of anyone who reads it, though some of it may.
It starts with goodness. In March, I started a new job. Full time, working on and cleaning and driving ReachNow cars. Which is a car share service, not unlike Car2Go.
And, a week after that, like the fourth day of my training, my father died.
This was not a surprise. He had a bad turn in December, and has been manifesting Alzheimer’s / Dementia for years. Some aspects of it were maybe apparent even before the official diagnosis. My relationship and stuff with dad is ... at least a post series of it’s own. There was love and anger and disappointment and heartbreak and pride and ... well. All the stuff that is well within the spectrum of normalcy for a relationship between father and son, though it being “normal” is not really comforting. Maybe that can be the theme of the memorial? That all the crap and awesome was painful and awesome by turn, and special to us, unique to us, and at the same time, woven into the fabric of our time and place and culture.
So, I took the day of his death off from work, got some stuff done, spent time with friends. Couple weeks later, took a weekend with my family. All my brothers, which is unusual (Mike lives in the Virgin Islands, so getting to the west coast is a non trivial task). It was awesome. And i found out that Joe and Julie are getting divorced, which is ... not my favorite thing ever and largely not mine. But a little bit mine, because I love them both and I want this to not be necessary, and it is not mine to change or do anything about. It is, always easier to fix other people than fix myself.
Last week, C asked me if i was working late. I told her I was, getting off at 11pm. I didn’t know why, though I had ... vague thoughts of coming home to find a meal or something waiting for me. What actually happened is that, as soon as I got off, she texted me that Aya died. Aya was her cat, who lived with her, and therefore, us, while we lived in the 1BR. He was a big, wierd, loud cat. He and Shiva fought a lot, at first, ignored each other for months afterwards, tolerated one another, and then cuddled. There was head licking. It was trancendentally cute. And, also, he loved to hang out in my lap. Even after they moved out, he would come to me for lap and cuddle time when I visited. And when she or I went out of town, Aya came here or Shiva went there, and they reaquainted themselves with each other.
He was a good cat, and I loved him, and I am sorry he is gone.
Home again. Work progressed, I learned a lot, I got a lot done. Time passed, my schedule settled down, I logged a fair bit of overtime. There was drama and a shake up as people slightly further up the ladder left and or got let go. And, not too long ago, they posted an opening for a lead technician, and i applied, interviewed, talked about what I bring to it and what I want to do and how I want to do it, and they said great, go for it. And they even had the announcement, four or five weeks ago. Then I got paid Friday, and... no change. The first paycheck since the promotion, and no change.
But there are two new guys in the office doing stuff that says “we are in charge here, now, and do this”. It’s mostly stuff I am have been doing, anyway. And when I mentioned to one of the new boss type guys that there are lead techs to count on for getting stuff done, he shot me down. He said, in no uncertain terms that I am NOT a lead tech, that I never was. That I applied, and was denied. Which is not remotely my experience, but more to the point, not his place to say. I mean, he said that he only knows half the story, so he doesn’t want to say too much, but then he said that. Makes me re evaluate my place in the company. But then, I sleep as late as I want, I get to wear a kilt to work, and I am good at what I do. I need not panic. It’s been six months. This maybe not a forever job, but it is a good job for now, and given where i was before this, this is just a bump. I don’t like it, but it is not so much as all that.
So. Yah. A lot of stuff, and this is just the couple things weighing on me right now. I got my chores done, and I still have time, and therfore, I feel like I need to Do ... something. Something I can call Adulting, even if it is just writing, trying to find a name and a place for my anxiety and hurt and love.
Oh, yah. That’s a big part of it. My parents anniversary is ... tomorrow? So, calling Mom is a thing i need to do.
