Coffee and other thoughts

Truth bombed

Tue, 18 Aug 2026 04:21:17 GMT

Fucking Maslow.

I was talking to my therapist, last week. I have been talking to a nutritional therapist for a while, but only relatively recently been talking to a psycho therapist. And I mentioned that I felt a way about the fact that it took me this long to get myself into therapy. I have had a lot going on, for a while, and it would be nice to be able to talk to someone whose job and calling it is to listen and direct and all that good stuff. And, look, if you know me well enough to be reading this, i don't have to sell you on the value of therapy. Whether or not you seek it out in your life is none of my business. But, again, you know me, you know I have had a lot of Stuff happen in recent years. Talking to someone is basically mandatory.

But also, it's not that simple. Finding someone to talk to, who I trust enough to be totally honest with, who takes my insurance and whose schedule matches mine. This is not the easiest thing in the world. And, really, having the mental capacity to put that kind of effort into a project like that was not a thing i had. For the longest time for various reasons, I did not have good insurance (or insurance at all). And I certainly did not have the money to pay out of pocket for the services.

And I was telling her this, and she pointed out, I have a BA in Psychology. I know Maslow. Hierarchy of needs. It is reasonable and right and expected that I would address matters of material health and safety and stability before I turn my attention to issues of self reflection and enlightenment.

Which I did know, do know. And I just never thought about it like that. But now that she said that, it's kind of on my mind all the time. And its wonderful, and also annoying. Because a part of knowing that means I get to think about it, have to think about it. And recognize that self esteem is not a matter of zen enlightenment. It's not nirvana. It's an ongoing process, a constant issue of work and maintenance. It's a journey, a process, as are all the other bits.

I learned a thing. And now i have so much more to learn.

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Emotional readiness

Fri, 05 Jun 2026 03:48:58 GMT

Hell of a weekend. For reasons, not enough sleep.
The short version. I had a longer than usual route on Tuesday, and an opportunity to have Pupusas at the Farmers Market with C on Tuesday night. So, I pushed myself a little, got done earlier than usual. Clocked out got stuff from the Summer Market and we ate and talked and had a lovely time.
Came home, felt a little tired. Bedtime came, I went to bed. Wednesday, woke up, made breakfast, ate like three bite and realized I felt utterly awful. So, called in sick and went back to bed. Slept until noon, feeling achy and chills and generally fever. Basically stayed in bed all day. Until I remembered that a hot bath, with some baking soda is a good way to break a fever. So, I drew a bath. And discovered that my bathtub is not really big enough. so I spent the whole bath thinking about what a bathroom remodel would even look like (aside from expensive).

Ran the hot water until there was no more. Got pruny. Got out. Shortly, my building manager comes to my door, letting me know I have a leaking bathtub. After some investigation, it turns out that the leak is in the overflow drain, not the main drain. And over the course of yesterday and today, arrangements were made to fix it.

And since I own this home, that's largely on me. Though I am doing it with the plumber recommended by the HOA, who is vetted and appropriately licensed in all relevant arcane plumbing arts (condos are a different thing than other residences? I am told). And I can talk to my home insurance folks about making a claim. So, not a huge deal. Just a thing.

But it also illustrates a bit that came up in conversation with C. That buying a home is not just a matter of having the money. It's about being ready to buy. About the emotional state, feeling stable in work and life, to make this kind of commitment. I bought this place, and it is mine, and every once in a while I will do something else that makes me feel that. I am so ready to have a home of my own, and external support for that. and that means I get to do stuff like buy a hanging planter and ceiling hooks that let me put my stuffed Tigger (who I got from Santa Claus in 1976) in his rightful place.

The readiness of this was not something I thought about. Not on an emotional level. I was too busy getting all my waterfowl into proper alignment to really think about that. But it's true. And worth thinking about, when buying a home. I was, of course. My subconscious is smarter than I am, and I am deeply satisfied with this (albeit a bit janky) little studio home. It makes me think about other things I want or ask for, whether or not I am actually ready for them.

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Hosting a Game

Sun, 12 Apr 2026 04:36:30 GMT

So, back in November, I asked C if she wanted to come over for Thanksgiving Dinner. TL DR, we ended up going out, together, to a local place, with Irene. It was delightful. And prior to that decision, C asked me if I had a dinner table, yet. And I did not, but i realized that was a thing I wanted and needed.
Side note. My grandaddy (Moms father) had a table, that was made for him by his father and uncle. Mom had it in her assisted living community in Colorado, and when I went out there to help pack her things to move from independent living to memory care, I made a point of saying "I want this table" (and other things).

Then, rather quickly, Mom died. i mean, not immediately, but she literally went from being with Bother Mike et al in the Virgin Islands on New Years to dying on the next Mother's day. Not a slow decline, as such things go, and that is maybe a bit of grace, all things considered. And in the aftermath, I mentioned to Chris that I wanted to make arrangements to get the stuff I had marked (and i believed had been put in storage in Awesome Niece Dr. Jennifer's garage). I was told that nothing was kept, nothing was in storage. All of it was taken to Goodwill. it was gone.

So. No table for me. My express wishes overlooked or ignored without a word. There is nothing I can do about it, and I will die mad about it. Because that behavior is typical of how I feel I am regarded by my brothers (and by my parents, but they are dead, so there's that)(therapy is ongoing).

Absent that table. I have an approximately 400 sf condo. If you include the porch. I have to be very deliberate about what I bring in, and how i arrange everything in my space. So. I decided a table that can fold away when i don't need the whole thing was a good idea. And I looked online, at Ikea and Wayfair and other places. i found one I liked. It has chairs. So, I made a decision, and I talked to my friend Michelle, who has a truck, sometimes.

And then C told me about the store Ballard Consignment. Where they sell nice furniture, and have a table that I might like.

I looked online. They do, indeed, have a table I like. Very much. Bigger than the one i was looking at, but SO much prettier (walnut) and better durability. I borrowed a car, I found out that Michelle had the day off, and we went to Ballard and got the table. Came home, i assembled it, and I really really like it.

And I got to thinking. I have a table, and I have a desk. Why? Why not let the table BE the desk? So. today's project was rearranging my studio. Moving bookshelves, move the computer. move the comfy chair. And now, i am sitting at my table, writing on my computer, and trying to determine how many chairs, and what kind, will I need when I want to host a D&D game at home.

Also, I realized... I am going to need coasters.

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Money

Wed, 01 Apr 2026 17:36:51 GMT

As noted previously (elsewhere, certainly, but probably here) my mom died. It's not a fresh thing; on the upcoming Mother'd day, it will be two years (and that she had the courtesy to die on Mother's day, thus consolidating at least some of the grief of that anniversary into a single day, speaks to how she lived her long and fruitful life). It was, is, a sadness, not a tragedy, and I have talked about it elsewhere if not here.

In fairness, I don't much expect anyone to hear me, here, with a few noteworthy and well loved exceptions.

But and so. An aftereffect of mom dying was that my three brothers and I split the estate, including selling her house (Dad died about 7 years ago, also painful, also not tragic, a different sort of experience that I am still unpacking). Which meant I got money. Not 'a lot of money' but certainly enough that I was able to make some measurable improvements in my living situation. Clearing all of my debts, for a start. putting away money for savings, a small investment account, and, oh yeah, I bought a condo. And a bike.

But more... day to day, I can look at things differently. I can look at events, at social opportunities, and I don't have to immediately discard them as "I cannot afford that, and that's okay." Which was where I was at for rather a long time, honestly. I had to pick and choose and budget, carefully. And I still have to be SOME careful. I am not in a situation where I can drop everything and fly to Hong Kong for Dim Sum on a whim. I don't even have a legal passport, right now (just opened a tab to address that oversight). But a friend just posted about a local film festival, and I thought, hey, that sounds like fun, it's a weekend so no work entanglements, why not? And so, I got a ticket.

Money doesn't buy happiness. That is what I have been told my whole life. And that is of limited truth. It doesn't buy happiness or time or relationships. And. It does allow me the freedom to pursue those things, without the sacrifices or choices that can exclude many options. Having money solved a number of my problems. And in so doing, revealed an entirely different set of problems behind those (and, to an extent, allowed me to address those (like, paying to copay on my doctor and therapist)).

I miss mom. I went to a pie shop a while ago, and they had a Chocolate Chess Pie, literally just like Mom used to make, and just seeing that almost made me cry. I had to take a few minutes to collect myself in silence before i could order. Worth it, though, the pie and the memories were joyous. I think i will always miss her. And i think that she provided for me just makes it a little less difficult for me to do so, or at least, gives me some of the tools that I need. And that lesson is something I think she would be pleased to see I have learned.

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Hank Green

Mon, 23 Feb 2026 20:46:34 GMT

Just watched (with distractions) Hank Green talking about his early childhood diagnosis for assorted physical and mental and developmental stuff.

And at the end, he said something about how much he seeks to change himself to fit the world, contrasting with how much he seeks to change the world to fit himself.

And that... I mean, that's a huge thing to me. And so I want write it down and think about it and know that i can revisit it and remind myself that it is a thing. Am I changing myself to fit the world? Or am i changing the world to fit myself?

Is changing the world (trying to change the world) inherently selfish? And therefore, morally bad? that is what I have been told, my whole life. That anything I do for myself is intrinsically 'evil'.

And alongside of that, the messaging to change myself to fit into, to conform to. the world as it exists is persistent. And the struggles against this are the basis for about 90% of the media I consume.

And changing the world. No one... well, I certainly cannot change the WHOLE world. But i can maybe change a part of it. I can exert some control over my environment. I can clean the kitchen, I can move the cat (who is currenty between the keyboard and the screen, making typing an exciting game. ) it is foolish to say that i cannot change the world. And so I amust do so with some sense of responsibility.

change is hard. some changes are hoarder than others change is going to hapen. how willl i change myself and the world, to make it better, and better for who?

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Broken Physics.

Mon, 09 Feb 2026 00:30:02 GMT

But how broken is it, really?

Short version. I have a world in mind for a DND game. I would like to know how badly I am breaking Physics to make this world exist.

Note, broken physics won’t really matter; This is D&D, there are dragons, fae, giants, ethically reliable police, elves, haflings, and other creatures of myth and legend. A little physics breaking is not going to be a problem

FWIW, i’m pretty sure my orbital mechanics are completely bonkers.
But, as noted, I am a massage therapist, not an astronomer.

Imagine Jupiter
Turn it into a Star.
- Call this star Pelor
- Let it only have one Moon.
- Make it roughly Earth sized
  - Call this the planet TwoSun
Let the TwoSun be tidally locked
- One side of the Planet always faces Pelor.
Add another sun, call it Phaeton
- TwoSun and Pelor are orbiting Phaeton
  - Fast orbit; the Planet has 24 hour days Pelor.
  - Every day, Phaeton will eclipse Pelor
Add a moon around Twosun
- Make the moon the closest,
  - It eclipses both Pelor and Phaeton.
  - The Moon takes a full year to orbit the planet
    - Seasons are dictated by the moons eclipsing the Sun.
One side of the planet is mostly dry, always in the light of the sun.
- One side of the continent is a mountain range
- The other side is a big ass beach.
- There are bays and such on each side.
One side of the planet is an ocean.
- There are Islands, some very large.
  
  That is what i have, so far. At least in terms of broad Geography and such. It’s entirely possible that I am getting too caught up in the world building, and not paying enough attention to the details of the story I am actually trying to set up for and with my players.
  But the cost! It’s so sunk!

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Reaction to Coworker

Mon, 26 Jan 2026 21:10:19 GMT

I keep waiting for you to get smarter, and you keep not doing it.

Whose fault is that?

Context; we have a discord for union stuff, separate and distinct from the work based Slack channel (and not run by work management). This includes a channel for memes. Coworker has repeatedly posted FB links on the Meme channel, which show up as "Go to Facebook". Which, i mean, if you and I were friends on FB, maybe that would be helpful? But we're not, we're not going to be, and if you don't want to take the time to post an actual raw meme on Discord, why would I bother going to FB?

Sigh.

My fault for wanting him to put the level of attention and effort into communication that I expect.

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Tue, 13 Jan 2026 21:10:20 GMT

My work is a union shop. I am a teamster.

We have a union only discord.

One of the team leads just got on the Union Discordd and complained about too many people calling out of work too often, requiring him to go out on the road rather than working on projects in the warehouse. He wants the next contract to have stricter call out policies.

One of those recent projects was the acquisition, distribution, and training (for each individual driver, one at a time) of reflective triangles. In case we are stuck on the side of the road, on a busy street (I cannot say this Never happens? but the odds of it happening are remarkably low, and the efficacy of this is probably limited at best).

....

Oh, and this Lead is leaving in April. The next contract will be voted on in July. So, he has no actual stake in the next contract.

I am trying really really hard not to say, THIS IS YOUR JOB. This is what you signed up for, this is what you get paid more for, this is what it is. And if have to hear you say you have been to every single member at least once, i am going to make your do the FSKING MATH of that (seattle market is about 80k people; we do an average of 100 stops a day, with a 4 day work week for drivers; He has not been here long enough for that to even be mathematically possible, even given that he was a driver before he was a lead).

So, I am not at work today, because I was realized I was getting overwhelmed by anxiety, and because I knew I have sufficient sick time to be able to take a day like this for a time like this. And taking a day off is probably better than working and getting one step closer to absolutely losing my shit at the Lead for this ... idiocy. Because, the truth is, the idiocy is not his, or at least, not his alone. The company is a start up, and no one really knows what they are doing. We don't have a standard operation procedure, mostly. And even where there is, theres little to no enforcement of what ever procedures exist.

On the whole, I like my job. I like that I have a reasonable level of discretion and independence. As long as I get the job done reasonably well, I am left to my own devices. And, the upside of a start up; the possibility, however unlikely, that my stock options will lead to something someday.

After that? I show up, I do my job, I come home. Anything else is strictly optional and at my discretion.

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Fear

Mon, 06 Oct 2025 21:54:53 GMT

fear lives in the heart,
the mind asks why are you here,
fear needs no reasons.

too much or little,
tell everything or nothing,
fill space with silence

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Cats

Mon, 22 Sep 2025 02:34:48 GMT

So, here's the thing.

My middle name is Morris. I was given, for no well explained reason, my father's mother's maiden name as my middle name. And I think it is pretty cool, now. At the time of my childhood, in the seventies and early 80s (okay, all of the 80s, and significant portions of the 90s), the only well known creature on earth with that name was Morris, the FInicky Cat of Nine Lives Cat Food Commercials.

Now, again, as an adult, I realize i should be LUCKY, to be as cool as He was (the cat actor who played him first, was named Lucky, and lived to a ripe age of 17). He did very well for himself, and if I am half as successful in humaning as he was in Catting, I will call it a win.
And two things about Morris. He was Finicky; only wanted to eat very special food. And he was Orange.

Now? as something like an Adult. And I have Aglaia, who is an orange cat.

Whose appetite is ... suprisingly selective. I mean, she doesn't even want treats! And god forbid i provide her the wrong flavor of food!

What i am seeing now? Those commercials were a warning. I should have expected this.

So it goes. Some lessons come later in life than others.

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Moral Eating

Mon, 25 Aug 2025 00:49:10 GMT

I set out to talk about food, about how there is a moral dimension imposed on how people eat, and how society teaches us that it is okay to judge people for the way they look and assume that all health concerns stem from dietary choices. Fat People are unhealthy, and a burden on society. And if they would just Eat Right, if they just Tried Harder, they could be Healthy, which to say, Skinny.

This is bullshit. On so many levels.

For one thing, there is a recent photo of a line up of women olympic atheletes from a variety of disciplines. The contrast in body shape between the gymnast and the power lifter and the sprinter and the long distance swimmer is startling. And these women are at the pinnacle of athletic achievement. Many of them are literally the best in the world at what they do. The rest are so close as to make no nevermind.

Side story. Back in high school (so, the 80s), I did speech competitions. I was at a tournament, chatting with folks. I don’t remember the context of the conversation, but this one guy, who was not a small young man, was talking about his cousin Mary Lou Retton.

Yah, Her.

He said he was at a family reunion, and playing in the house, running in the hallway, and he came around the corner and ran right into cousin Mary Lou.

And he Bounced. He described it as running into a brick wall. Five foot nothing, perfect balance and solid and grounded ALL OF THE TIME.

Which is not really relevant, but it’s a story that amuses me.
What is relevant is the degree that food choices are treated as Moral choices. And this is something I am struggling with, because the days where I can eat a king sized snickers bar and a liter of dr pepper for lunch and call it good for the day are long past. If I don’t get enough fiber in my day, I feel it. Like, by bedtime. And so, when I shop, I count meals. I literally stand there, and say to myself, okay, I got three salads for dinner, two pastas, spinach for Fritata Friday… etc. I meal plan, and i go home and I put it away and I food prep (chopping veggies for stir fry, cutting and marinating chicken, making Pesto (as of TODAY, I can make Pesto!! (I bought a small blender, for pesto and smoothies))).

And on some level it feels like a moral decision. But i reject that, too, because I also buy and eat candy bars, sometimes, or hit up TopPot for a coffee and donut snack, and does that make me a sinner? Obviously and of course it does.

Or at least, that is what i struggle with.

And so, I am trying to reframe how I think about food, so it is not about Moral eating. I eat what I need to eat to be healthy and functional. Sometimes, when the cat wakes me up three or four times a night to feed, play and or clean her box, i might need a little extra coffee. Or maybe Top Pot has a new and exciting Fritter (I don’t even know what their monthly fritter is, for August). And there is no God worth paying attention to who will begrudge me a cherry fritter.
But at the same time, there is an ethical dimension to food consumption. I go to the Farmers Market for about 90% of my weekly food. In part, large part, because of the quality of the food. I get lettuce there, it will last all week and well into the next (or until I eat it, which is generally less than a week). I am also giving money directly to the farmers, the folks who grow and pick and pack and deliver the food. This is an enormous privilege, and I try to never take it for anything less than a gift (I briefly considered the possibility of thinking about maybe exploring the concept of moving to Denver, a while ago; I learned that they do not have a year round farmers market, and I immediately decided not to do that (I mean, it is a terrible idea for a LOT of reasons, but that is one I can point to easily)).

Which is to say, I am exploring the idea that there is not a moral dimension to food consumption. But there is an ethical one; what I buy and eat has a real impact on the lives of others (not least the foods themselves; Plants and Animals are alive, obviously and of course, and that is worth considering). How food is grown, harvested, delivered… it all has an impact, a social impact. It is consistent with who i want to be and how I want to live in this world to consider that impact, as I make my choices. Not because an external moral authority will hold me accountable, but because it is a reflection of the person I want to be and the impact I want to have on the people around me.
At least, that is where I am right now, as I continue thinking about it. It is, of course, an ongoing discussion.

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Two Sun

Sun, 22 Jun 2025 21:45:37 GMT

I am doing a bit of world building for an upcoming D&D campaign setting (Not actually D&D, I will be using Tales of the Valiant). I would like to double check my astrophysics.

What I have in mind is a planet in a binary star system that is tidally locked to the 'lesser' star, while orbiting the 'great' star. I know for certain that means that one side of the planet is always in the light of the lesser star, and the other one isn't. That means that there is a light side and a dark side, with regards to the lesser star. Easy enough.

But with regards to the great start, the 'dark' side still sees that, sometimes, and therefore has regular day night cycles. And sometimes the 'light side' has two suns in the sky.

Have I got that right?

Leaving aside that this is D&D, and the rules are whatever I decide they are. If it is a flat planet on the back of four elephants who stand on the back of an enormous turtle, that's just fine.

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Adulting; Financial Edition

Sun, 08 Jun 2025 17:16:45 GMT

As you may know, I now own a condo (or, more precisely, about 20% of a condo). Which means, I have a Home Owners Association, and the board that governs it. Additionally, I have an investment account, where I put some of my money, in the hopes it will grow at a reasonable rate. Which is, as far as I know, all well and good and proper adulting.

But that is not the end of it. Both the investment fund and the HOA Board are having elections. And ... I have no idea where to start. I know that I Want to research the assorted candidates and make an informed choice about which one I think will best represent my interests. But how? And, really, what are my interests? Especially with regards to the investment account, what is possible, and within that, what do I want to happen?

On the HOA Board. Because of the timing of meetings, relative to my work schedule, I have been unable to even attend, as yet (they are held via Zoom, but they start before i get off work). I have only lived here for six months. I have never owned property before, much less been a part of an HOA. I don't know what is possible, what is realistic, what is desirable, what is best for me.

Both of these things are, presumably, researchable. But that requires time. And time is a finite resource, best spent on good food and good friends and good fictions. Researching these questions is about asking the right person the right questions. I don't know who the right person is, or what the right questions would be.

I want to be a 'responsible adult', and I don't even know where to start in this arena.

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Thu, 29 May 2025 15:28:02 GMT

Cloudy grey day on Bainbridge. Listening to KEXP Music Heals. Thinking about Marci, about loss and community.
Does it get any more cliche?

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Hell of a Year

Sun, 11 May 2025 17:33:43 GMT

Today is Mother's Day. Which is of course a bit fraught, because my mother died (ETA, ... a year ago, today), and everyone knows that.

A little bit more, though. I was sitting in Top Pot Donuts with C on Mother's Day a year ago when Brother Joe called. He was sitting with mom, as she was in hospice. He called to tell me that Mom had died.

Sad, not tragic.

Life goes on. Not for Mom, but for me. If I am aware of carrying something today more than many days, that is a thing.

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i did a thing

Sun, 27 Apr 2025 16:49:16 GMT

Yesterday, I did a Thing. I bought a bike. A brand new (not just 'new to me') Surly Bridge Club. I even added a rack to the front and got gloves and a new lock and cable. And I rode it around the park a few times, rode it to the bookstore, rode it through and around the park a few more times...

I should say, I am an avid bike guy. Not at the constantly wearing spandex, wearing cool sunglasses, has those special shoes that attach to the pedals sort of way. But in the "I have to go a place, so i will ride a bike rather than walk/drive / be driven (by bus or taxi)" sort of way. I have been riding a bike to work, and FOR work, since I got to Seattle and opted to be car free. And hey, let me unpack that. C was devotedly car free when we met. When I moved to Seattle, it was a thing I embraced as well, but also, it was sort of a necessity. I mean, I could not afford to buy a car, and even if I had one, I live in a neighborhood where it is difficult to park. Plus the cost of fuel, insurance, maintaining... It adds up, and, frankly, I am not good at it.
Still, I own my home now. I have a Parking Space. If I wanted a car, I could probably buy a good one for cash (checks website...). Yes. I could, absolutely, buy one for cash.

And it would still require fueling (even if I bought an electric, it needs charging, and that is an expense). I am currently Making Money on my parking space (I rent it out to a very nice lady who lives in my building in a mutually satisfactory arrangement). That cash i would use for the car is currently sitting quietly in an interest bearing account.

So. I bought a bike. Which will also require maintaining, but the store I bought it from is local, just up the street (Good Weather Bikes, in Chop Row, they also have excellent coffee and pastries). This was after considerable research. I am not a small or light person. I don't need or expect a fast zippy little bike. I need a fsking workhorse, a bike that is going to support my non trivial weight, get me to work through the streets of seattle, and get me home again. Which is what i got. If I get it in my head to ride that Palouse to Cascades trail, well, that is an option.

And, it is very much a different thing. I have been using Lime bikes for the last several years (my most recent prior bike was nice, but the tires were too skinny, and I was contantly getting flats (big rider, narrow tire, broken glass = flat tire). I eventually just gave up. That was a learning experience. When I started looking, I saw that Surly makes a model called the Ice Cream Truck. The tires are Four Inches Wide.

That is ... obscene. Or at least, I thought so until I saw their latest model, the Moonlander. Six and a half inch wide tires.

ahem.

I decided those were a little too "mid life crisis" for my purposes. So I got the most practical, basic, workhorse bike. And I asked about stuff. Like, I am used to riding in a more upright position, but this has me leaning forward more than I am used to. Can that be fixed. And the very nice and professional gentleman selling me the bike said, yes, though leaning forward is good for aerodynamics, and also better for your body. The spine does not get compressed as much, and different muscle groups are engaged (geeked out about that for a hot minute, because I can). And, if i want, I can make an appointment with a physical therapist who will work with me to custom fit the bike to my body at their shop.

Which pleases my geeky little heart in all the ways.

I have not done that. Per his suggestion, I am going to ride it for a while, and see what it is like. Get some idea of what I like, what I want to change, get my body used to the new level of effort involved in going back to a manual transmission rather than an automatic.

This is going to be fun.

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Ongoing Saga of Home Ownership

Mon, 14 Apr 2025 18:23:46 GMT

Not specifically about home ownership, really. But kind of?

So. Spring is starting to happen. I decided I don't need to sleep on / under flannel sheets. I specifically left my lighter cotton sheet sets behind, so I ordered new sets. They were reportedly delivered last night. I just got out to the mail room, and, behold, no package for me. i double check the delivery notification email. I see the picture. I go back to the mail room, and, no, still no package.

BUT! PLOT TWIST! Paul, the building manager tells me that we had a break in last night, and he caught the guy, and the guy is TRAPPED ON THE ROOF DECK. Like, Present Tense, RIght NOW, Trapped on the Roof Deck.

So, if I am missing a package, that's probably what happened to it.

...
I have so many questions. I have ... I mean. SO many questions. I moved ... four blocks? How is this part of the neighborhood so much sketchier than 419? If this is the guy who stole the packages last night, why is he on the roof deck Now? Did he come back? Should i buy a gun to protect myself and my stuff*? How do I report the theft to FedEx? I mean, They did their job. The package was here. Not their fault** that that someone else got in afterwards and my package stopped being here.

I am guessing / assuming that the building manager is going to be looking at the video footage to determine how the thief got in (both times? I am still a little unclear on the exact timeline of events that, lets not forget, has a package thief on the roof deck NOW.

So, yah. Updates as they happen, and I process ... all this.

Also? I lost my drivers license. I went online and ordered a replacement last night. I put on my kilt, this morning. And Found It. Not sure if it fell out of my wallet, or if i just didn't put it back after the last time I took it out. so, I guess i have a spare?

yay?

*NO.

Look, this is a strictly self assessment, what is right for me and my life and my choices. My feeling about gun ownership as a political issue are much more nuanced. For me, in this situation? I have standards of what i would consider acceptable gun ownership for me. That includes rather a lot of training, a gun safe, and a fuckload of research. And even then, it would require me to believe I am both capable and willing to kill someone else to protect my stuff. Nothing i own is worth more than someone else's life. Not to say I will not engage in violence, as needed, to protect what (and who) i love, should the situation require it. That said, having a gun means I would feel less safe. I know ME, and I know if i am armed, I will be inclined to USE it. I figured that out when I was doing bike messenger work; I knew that if I carried a billy club, I would use it. And that only makes things worse. A gun, for ME, in THIS HOME, only makes things worse. A selection of well placed objects that can be used to protect myself come the fae apocalypse? Oh yah. You can steal my stuff. But if you come for my song? There will be violence.

**Unless it was? I mean, if I was package thief, I might well follow a FedEx truck, and when the driver goes into a secure building, I would wait on the outside, come in as they go out. FedEx driver doesn't know that I don't live there, and probably isn't paying a lot of attention to people coming in as they leave. And then I get access to a place that just got packages. A lot of effort and risk for what is probably not a lot reward; but still, relatively easy.

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Tax time

Tue, 01 Apr 2025 03:02:56 GMT

Been a while since i have been here.

Nearly entirely settled into the Condo. As the weather changes, I am looking at my patio, and thinking... things. Like, what about plants? What about furniture? What about Aglaia (I am certain, given the chance, she would love to get outside, onto the patio (which is fine) and would shortly be over the wall and into the street (which would not be fine))? Can I arrange things so she can have access to the porch, but is unable to leave its confines? Building an actual 'catio' seems unlikely to go over well with the HOA. But I think I can make it work. Maybe.

The immediate thing is I just more or less finished my taxes. More or less because I finished them, and then remembered that i did not say anything about the sale of Mom's house or the income I got from that. So, because H&R Block is what it is, I had to contact my "tax expert" and say, hey, there is this, what should I do? Can I edit my tax return? And she said, no. but you have to send me this form.

I don't have this form, I say.

You should have this form, she says. It comes with the distribution of the estate.

I don't have it, I was not the executor. I say.

So contact the executor and have him send it to you, she says.

Okay. I do. Then I look up the form on IRS.gov, and it says "this is for business partnership distributions" and I say, WTF.

And then I email her and say something a bit more polite than that to her.

Aside from that? All of the money i got was from Mom's IRA accounts, so there are taxes on those. Which is not what I expected, but is what i should have expected; and I don;t much like it, but, really... It's not a big deal. I set aside money for precisely this sort of thing. I did not get this money and go out and spend all of it. Not gonna lie, I spent SOME of it; I have some nifty new fountain pens, I got a new computer, I bought t shirts and I am supporting assorted Patreons. Oh, and there's the Condo I am living in. I bought that. Or, at least, I am buying it.

It is just... I want to take a vacation. I thought i would be able to pay for it with the tax refund I was getting. But I am not getting a tax refund, so I have to rethink how to pay for my vacation (also, a bike, a couch, and shelves). I have to keep reminding myself, i am okay. Not the way i thought it was going to be, but overall, this is a good plan. My ducks, on the whole, are happily and merrily marching in time and in line. I am able to pay attention to things that need my attention, and when I run across unexpected obstacles, I have the resources to overcome them.

I may, however, need a different tax professional.

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This week

Mon, 10 Feb 2025 07:56:45 GMT

Sometimes, most times at work, I am absolutely certain I am the smartest person in the room. I am equally certain, it doesn't matter. Smart as I am, I don't have the particular skills that are of value to the organization beyond my current position. I don't have the patience to deal with a lot of the stuff i see, or to tolerate the slow response from upper management regarding ongoing issues. And I am not willing to work as many hours, past the required time, to get things done. So, that's fine. This job is good, it supports me and allows me to do good work that I think is important. And I am respected, even well liked.

And at home? I am only rarely the smartest person in the room, and usually thats because i am alone*. And that suits me just fine.

If I am the smartest person in the room, I need to find another room.

*Not counting Aglaia Goldeneyes Trouble Cat, who is remarkably smart. And mildly evil.

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Waterfowl Alignment Project Update

Mon, 13 Jan 2025 19:18:57 GMT

The Waterfowl Alignment Project continues.

For the possibly three people who have not heard from other channels; I bought a Condo. I have completed my apartment move out, and I am working on getting settled here.

It was, on the whole, pretty easy. Which is not to say not stressful. However, honestly, minimally stressful. New Flat is in the same neighborhood (literally three blocks from Old Place). Somewhat smaller, but with a better layout. I have my own dishwasher and washer dryer, for the first time in ... 20 odd years? And the trash is inside. Recyling and yard waste / compost is in the building garage (i don't have to worry about walking in the rain when I need to deal with such things). It is a good building, and i got a good loan.

And. I have to remind myself, sometimes, that i did this. I mean, This is (part of) what I am spending my inheritance on. But, it is all possible because I kept my finances under control. I resolved all my debt (paid off credit cards, built and maintained good credit, etc.) I kept an eye on the real estate market, I took classes offered by my credit union on home ownership. In short, I had a plan, and when the time came, I followed through on it.

And so, here I am (here we are, Aglaia Goldeneye Trouble Cat is adapting to her new kingdom nicely).

I am still figuring things out. I maybe need more shelves, or to rearrange my existing shelves. Probably both. In any case, I have not unpacked the last of my boxes. I am still working on the kitchen layout. I want to buy a sleeper sofa, and a new bike (both of which are going to wait until I get my taxes settled). I am renting out my parking space to another building resident (and i had to remind her, already, so I am not sure how well that is going to go). And of course, the ongoing eat/exercise/be physically / financially / mentally healthy journey is ... ongoing (I decided to get a PCP, rather than the prior strategy of three Zoom Care attendants in a trench coat).

The short term plan includes a couple extra days of work, put in some overtime. And, at some point, not too far away, a Fsking Vacation. Someplace sunny. Maybe just a long weekend in California, maybe something more ambitious. I have it in my head to take a long week to go visit family in Colorado and then go up to Yellowstone with a bike. Or something like that.

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Not he plan

Sat, 05 Oct 2024 06:52:45 GMT

Not that there was a plan really, but there was something like a plan. And that was to spend some of tomorrow writing this.

But then, I was reminded, I have an appointment at the DOL to renew my dl tomorrow. Which has become part of Pizza Quest with C (I asked C if she wanted to get Pizza, this weekend, at Cornelly; She counter suggested Pizza from a Totally New Place, and, Lo And Behold!! Pizza Quest).

So, i am doing this now. Unless i am not, in which case, you'll not see it.

Last week, as in, a week ago, I was in Kentucky. Hopkinsville, Kentucky, to be precise. Which is a small town in the west of the state. It is, also, where my mother was born, raised, and from which she went to the University of Kentucky. Got her BS in Math (in 1958, which i have known more or less my whole life, but also, took me until I was in my twenties to realize was pretty remarkable. I asked if she was the only woman doing that at the time. She said, no, there were three of us. As though that were somehow less amazing.).

I got to see cousins I have never met, cousins by blood and marriage, Cousins who are children of cousins (also cousins). It was ... they called my Granny / Grandaddy (moms parents) Aunt Ruth / Uncle Earl. Which, I mean, of course they did. My grandparents each had several siblings, most of whom were married and had children, and here we are, now. Related to half the state. More or less.

My brother Joe and I flew in to Nashville Tennessee, and I drove up to Hopkinsville. I drive professionally, so I figured it would be no big deal. i did not account for the difference in roads, the abundance of rain (thanks to Helene, there was a lot of rain), the aggressiveness of southern drivers (if I was not fast enough, they would tailgate and flash lights). At one point, I was caught between two 18 wheelers, merging from three lanes to two (out of a turnout back onto the main road). i was not quiet about me objection to this, and brother J objected to my yelling in his ear. I told him, Do Not Help. I spend all day, every work day, alone in the car. I have a way of doing things, and being told to do things differently in the moment is not useful.

We stayed in an AirBNB, rented from a friend of the family (and discounted for the reunion). It was nice. There was a lot of food provided. That said, the food was... specific. Aside from some biscuits (take and bake Pillsbury biscuits (and I am sorry I got so loud about that to my D&D group this week)) nary a carb to be found. She did provide Atkins Low Carb Snack bars.

I did not go to the local Waffle House. We did go out to a diner for breakfast. it was.. not actually good. But it was part of the experience.

I did a tasting at the Casey Jones Family Distillery (one of my cousins married into their family), and sampled some truly great bourbon, and moonshine. I had never tried Moonshine before. I have three bottles, now. Two bourbons, one moonshine. One of the Bourbons I tasted is called Caseys Cut. The story being, Casey Jones was not only a moonshiner, he sold stills to other folks. And if his customer could not pay for the still, Casey just took a cut from the result of the still. Which, I mean, is a pretty good business move, honestly.

i think it should go without saying that the South of the United States has a long history of bad decisions (and, not putting too fine a point on it, still making bad decisions (there is no recycling there; They passed laws against installing solar "because we need that land for Farming!"). And, at the same time, there is also their collective response to Prohibition. Which... i have added to my curiousity list of things to learn something more about.

Joe and I also visited the site of our grandparents old house. The house itself is gone, it's just an empty lot now. But we wandered around the plot, saw the footprint of it. Saw where we used to play, some of the trees we climbed. The house next door, that has a big stag statue. I remember Granny telling me, as a very little person, that it was a restaurant, and that someday, i was going to take her there for dinner. We revisited the train tracks were we played, where we flattened pennies (neither of us had any pennies, this time, nor a train schedule which would have made flattening them easier).

We all gathered on the Little River, at the edge of the farm, where Mom and assorted cousins used to play. I spoke to how Mom always used to say, It ain't that simple. There is always more to a thing, than the thing i am seeing. I am not sure how well I articulated what I was trying to speak to, the depth and fullness of Mom, how she did so much, knew so much, did not allows herself to be held back from what she wanted. And did so with quiet humilty. Don't raise a fuss, is certainly something else she said. Certainly not on her behalf. Of course, there was also the time that i was flying a kite and it went down in the next door neighbors back yard. And the next door and down the street neighbor kids got hold of it, and destroyed it, because they were kids. And then they threw it back of over the fence, and i saw it and I was furious. But, not nearly as furious as Mom was; she came out, ahead of me, and tore into them. Nothing physical, of course, and I am not sure she even raised her voice. All I remember is how she turned her anger on them, the three of them and shamed them in a way I have never seen. On my behalf, she defended me.

Mike brought his trumpet, of couse. Played My Old Kentucky Home, and Danny Boy (Her grandfather, on her mother's side, emigrated to Kentucky from Ireland). Joe read a poem. Chris spoke to her intelligence, her compassion. I think. Honestly, I barely remember what all was said. But we spread her ashes, and felt her spirit, and the spirits of all our family, past and present, this generation and the next.

We four all thanked the cousins for welcoming us. It is true that there is a lot of ... more conservative thinking / political leaning in that part of the country. That said, no one said a single word about the fact I was wearing a kilt. And this is also where cousin Lindsay (distinct and different from Awesome Neice Lindsey, by spelling and being a man and about 40 years older), being a judge, performed the wedding ceremony for their oldest daughter and her wife. It is good to remember, while the culture is different from what i am used to, the individual people are still individuals.

It was a lot.

Oh, and rental car adventures. Short version, one of the tires of my rental car got a slow leak, Saturday night. I checked it again Sunday, and it was visibly flat. So, I called Avis, they said, take it to repair at Firestone. I did, Firestone looked at it and said, well, we can fix that one, but this other one is about to come apart. So, Joe and I had to get it towed back to Nashville, and we decided to spend the night there, since we were flying out the next day. I had 24 hours in Nashville, that i did not plan or prepare for. Not terrible, but not ideal. I am certain, if I had time to prepare and research, I could make 24 hours there a lot of fun. Having done neither? I managed.

I believe that all family is chosen. That there is more to family than being born into a group of people, there is the choice to make them family. Likewise there are the people in life that are family without blood or marriage.

It ain't that simple. And it is that simple. Don't make a fuss.

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water fowl alignment project

Mon, 23 Sep 2024 23:26:56 GMT

So. The end goal, the point, the reason i am finding and organizing all of these water fowl is to have a place to live. More to the point, to Buy a place to live. Something that is Mine.

C and I have talked about this, a bit. We are both the youngest. My experience of that was a lot of hand me downs. Joe’s bike became mine. Joe and i had to share a room, until Mike moved out (Chris moved out first, but parents decided to make that the guest room, until Mike left for college). Even when i did get my own stuff, i had to share it. Or … Like, i got a trophy for t ball (I sucked at it, a lot, but I still got a trophy). And it was mine, had my name on it and everything. And Mike was visiting from college, and for some reason, fiddling with it while watching TV. And he broke it, broke the bat of the batter. And i said, okay, no big deal, you can just fix it. And he said, No. It’s broken, if i had not broken it you would have, it doesn’t matter. I don’t think he even apologized. One event to illustrate an attitude, a perspective, in how i was treated and regarded, how I have grown up thinking i will be treated.

And now? We are nearing the end of the division of Mom’s estate. Giving away Mom’s stuff. I have said, for a long time, that there are very few things I want. A table, some cast iron, and family quilts. Somehow, though, the phrase “We didn’t know you wanted that” get’s applied. So, the table that Grandaddies father and uncle made for him? Went to Goodwill. The cast iron, mostly, went to goodwill. The fact I had written on the box, “Daiv wants this” seems to have been lost of everyone.

So. Joe has the family quilts, and he is sending me three of them. Chris has Mom’s fountain pen, and he said he was going to send me that.

And i have … money. We sold the house, as noted. I paid off the last of my debts. I talked to my investment advisor, and put more money into the brokerage account. And the remainder is in an interest bearing account, while I am looking at properties. What i want and think I can afford is a 4-500 sf studio condo in Capitol Hill. Looking at loan calculators, I might have to be a bit aggressive in my down payment. But, that said, there are a few places I like. One… I didn’t fall for it, at first. But the more i look at it, the more I like it. It is just about 4.5 blocks east of my current abode (a big plus). Has good amenities (Dishwasher, washer dryer, porch. I have an appointment to talk to a Loan Advisor in two weeks (going to Kentucky this week). I took a First Time Homebuyers class, so I will be talking to a real estate agent (i feel like, even if I know what I think I want, it will be productive and helpful to have a professional to help me deal with the process, because there are a lot of things I do not know).

And, At the end of it, I will have a place that is Mine. I will put the furniture in it I want, I will decorate it the way I like, I will have My cat (and, very possibly, an additional cat). It will be my responsibility and my choice. I will take care of it. Whatever it is, where ever it is, it will be Mine.

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Plans

Sat, 21 Sep 2024 06:05:17 GMT

This time, next week, I will be in Kentucky. More precisly, I will have been in Kentucky for a full day and some (flying in to Nashville on Thursday, driving the Hopkinsville with Brother J (who arrives somewhat later than i do) that night). J and I are staying together in an AirBnB, which is the cause of some friction (after I made flight and car arrangements, and as researching where to stay, J told me that we should drive from Nashville and stay together; So, after having contacted one of the Cousins, I got the AirBNB, at a discounted friend of the family rate. J objected, saying he thought it was too much money. I rejected his objection, saying he never set parameters for the how much he wanted to pay or what he expected, and ... further stuff. All via email, so I could maintain a degree of self control. J replied that i was over reacting. So, that is awesome (Never, in the history of anything ever, has being told that someone is over reacting gone well).

We are doing a family thing with the cousins... Right, let me unpack that a bit. This is Moms family. Granny, AKA, Moms mother, had 6 siblings. Grandaddy (her father) had seven. Many of them had children, and grand children. So... LOTS of cousins, throughout Western Kentucky. I have not been there since i was about 10, though I have had some contact with a few of them through Facebook. So, yah. Cousins. Techincally second and third cousins? Anyway. On Friday evening, there is a dinner. Saturday, we four brothers are going to do a memorial service thing at a family farm (apparently, there is at least one farm in the family), and then the big Family Reunion BBQ. Cousin Jimmy is a devout grill guy. Sunday, Family brunch. Monday, drive J back to Nashville, and the two of us fly back to the West Coast (Oakland and Seattle).

My only agenda that extends outside that is to visit a Distillery. I asked a cousin if there was one in town, and it turns out, one of there is, and one of kids married into the family that owns it. I feel there is nothing more fitting to acknowledge and remember and honor my personal relationship with my mother and my legacy and inheritance than to not get shitfaced. But also, to sample some local whiskey, and try, at least, to have a bottle or two shipped home, and not drink very much very often. Both embracing my heritage, and ... to a degree, also rejecting it. At least, rejecting the destructive parts of it, as best as I can.

This is not my actual first vacation thing.C and M are splitting cat care duties (mostly involving feeding Aglaia, but also, time and spoons permitting, spending some time with her (she is a very social cat, for all that her definition of play frequently involves claws and teeth, which can be an unattractive trait in a creature sitting scenario(.

And, when i get back, it is on to Project Waterfowl Alignment.

Side note. We completed the sale of Mom's house. I got my portion of the funds wired to me. One thing and another, I knew how much it was going to be, and I had outlined a plan for what to do with it (bills to pay, savings to set aside, investments to make). Mostly, I was considering how much to put into my brokerage account (I have one of those, now?), how much to set aside and earmark for possible house (condo) purchase, and how much to invest in a 12 month CD.

And the Fed lowered interest rates. Which, I mean, yay, probably better mortgage rates. And, also, wah, probably not as attractive CD rates. But mostly, I have a ... I am paying attention to the impact of the Feds interest rate decisions, and how it directly impacts my life and decisions. This is a thing Adults do!! What the F?!

And, in an act of Actual Adulting, I did nothing at all with that money (Other than paying off one last debt), until i talked to my financial advisor. Because, like an "Adult", I have one of those, now. Likewise, I am also going to talk to a Mortgage advisor, to see about putting that whole house buying process in motion. Being an Adult means, among other things, that I don't have to know everything; I can and should and will ask for help when I need it.

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Look what we can do

Sat, 07 Sep 2024 19:35:12 GMT

I have a new computer. An iMac, AKA, a Special Computer Designed for ~~Idio~~... Mommies and Daddies.

Among other things, this means I now have access to all my old Apple TV shows, stuff i bought and watched and forgot. Which, i mean, no bad thing. The entirety of Luther from the BBC, all of Leverage and The Librarians. And Sports Night. Late 90s sitcom from Aaron Sorkin, pre West Wing. Also, the Thundercats Reboot, which did not get as far as I hoped it would but it has Wil Friedel as Lion-O, and that makes me happy.

Sports Night. I ignored it when it was on TV. I am not a sports guy. Which, i mean, in my family, was an unforgivable sin. I wasn't interested in Baseball or Football. I tried, lord knows i tried. I played little league Soccer for six years; my final year, my team was undefeated. But that was the wrong sport, not really played in the USA, so it didn't count. I played little league basketball for 2 years. I sucked at it, despite brother Mike being my coach (one of them). In fairness, the whole team I was on was ... not top shelf. Not the bottom the barrel, as our coach said (we were one victory away from being the 4th place team out of five). But not great.

The point being, I have never been exceptionally good at competition, and I don't care that much about most professional sports. Contrast this with my parents whose media consumption was 90% ESPN. Golf? Tennis? Bowling? As long as it was sports, it was on. And I just ... did not care, did not want to have to pretend to care. I mean, I did, I did pretend, but I am pretty sure I wasn't fooling anyone.

And then... Sports Night. A sitcom about a sports show. Why should i care?

But someone somewhere somehow, I watched some of it. And I realized, it was not really about sports. It was about people. It was about family and relationships and society and fairness and being a human. It was about all the stuff Aaron Sorkin cares about (or, rather, cared about in the late 90s). it was shamelessly liberal. it was ... probably even more sexist than i think it was, think it is. Because it is Aaron Sorkin, and for all his virtues, he did write women a particular way (or so I have been told, and I can see the arguments supporting that point of view).

The point is. Rewatching it, I am reminded of why this show is awesome. Like the lin- (entry paused for Mandatory Cuddle Time, as required by Aglaia) -ne "look what we can do". We, humanity, can ascend Everest. We can help a South African School teacher go from being unable to walk without a cane to breaking the worlds record in the 10k Meter race. We can stand up against people with enormous power for those who have none.

Look what we can do.

it is the thing that I love about the Olympics. I watched bits and pieces. Things like Speed Climbing, where they go up the walls at speeds that would shame Spiderman. Or Breakdancing, where they move in ways that defy all known physics and anatomy. Or Rugby, where women made entirely of Iron* move with the grace of Lions. Or shot put, where they are hurling lump of iron that weighs as much as a bowling ball the distance of a basketball court. Or any one of literally hundreds, thousands of other moments where we see, on display, the best of humanity. Not just the competition, the camaraderie. The support, across teams and countries. How people celebrate their own victories, and support the victories of their opposition.

Look what we can do.

Another fucking school shooting. And it not sooner happens than the same goddamn things are trotted out. "The problem is not guns! It's mental Health Crisis! It's Video Games! It is Literally Everything Else or Anything Else!!" We can do so much, but this? We, Americans, seem determined NOT to do anything about this. Because... apparently, any restrictions on the ownership of guns is too high a price to pay for the safety of our citizens. At least, according to the very few people with an absolutely obscene amount of money, who maintain the lobbying for anti gun regulation.

Look what we can do.

I don't really have anything to say, about comedy or sports or gun control that has not been said before, and probably better. But this is my space to at least first draft some thoughts about some things. And maybe, someday, put those thoughts into action, to make this world a little better, to leave this world better than I found it. if only a little.

* I had the privilege of having a local professional rugby player on my massage table, once. She was among the most challenging deep tissue massages I have ever performed, up there with the professional tree climber and the woman who ran ultra marathons.

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Laughing in Valhalla

Mon, 19 Aug 2024 23:58:12 GMT

I like fountain pens. I tell people that i use them because my handwriting is measurably better with them than it is with other devices (and, if you have seen my handwriting, you will understand the need for every possible iota of improvement). Today, I received a really pretty purple Dude model pen from the company Ohto, a blue and yellow pen from Lemy, and a collection of assorted colors of (relatively) cheap Preppy pens from Platinum. Nothing too extravagant, just some nice pens to supplement my daily journal / note taking / grocery list needs. I also ordered cartridges for the pens, and then i installed them and test wrote "Sphinx of black onyx, judge my vow!"

After Marci died, i attended her memorial gathering. And, among other things, some of her things were given away to all of us who were able to be there. I accepted a d20, and an nice, but not too nice, fountain pen. And when i got it home, i tried to write with it. But it didn't work. I opened it up, checked, determined it had a full ink cartridge. All good, but it still didn't work. I revisited it occasionally, but i never got it to work.

Today? I opened it up, took the ink cartridge out, ... TURNED IT AROUND SO IT WAS PROPERLY INSTALLED... and tried it again.
Worked perfectly.

I think Marci must be laughing at me. I certainly hope so. I am, and there is little in this world i enjoy more than laughing with a friend.

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