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coffeedaivI wonder if I don't worry so much about being dramatic that I censor myself unnecessarily. I mean, I can be dramatic, at times. I like to think I am expressive and enthusiastic, that I am honest with my feelings and such (rather than being manipulative and attention demanding, requiring everyone to validate me in the absence of self esteem). But and especially when it comes to family to bio family, I can hear and see the expressions. I want to be included in family plans (three older brothers, with spouses, children, our mom, from Seattle to the Virgin Islands), and I do not have any reason to expect to be. I "don't have kids" (my step daughters and bio daughter who I did not know about until she was an adult 'don't count'). I am, though no one has ever really said so, kind of a screw up; last to leave parents house, never fell into a proper career, or stayed with one thing for very long. Or something.
For whatever reasons, I am not treated as an "adult".
Amd as our mother ages, as my nieces and nephews are growing up, as things move forward in everyones life, I am here in Seattle, living well and ... no one there cares. People HERE care. I have C (who Understands Me, which I cannot with words express the immensity and importance of), I have a decent job, I have stable housing and good food and two wonderful ongoing D&D games. I have the Best Cat Ever (so I am told, by selfsame cat).
And if try to ask my brother to keep me in the loop about family stuff? He doesn't. I mean, he told me when my sister in law got diagnosed with breast cancer. But when I reached out to him to ask to be kept up to date on what to do? He basically did nothing (and, I realized that was going to be the case, so I reached out to her directly and got on her mailing list; there is very very little I can do from here, but I send cards regularly, which she seems to appreciate).
And it stuff like that, that distance, that makes me wonder about doing something dramatic. Makes me look at moving in with Mom or closer to Mom (she is 86ish, doing very well considering, and lives alone in Salinas Ca; I could, in theory, get a transfer within my company to San Jose, and commute, at a non trivial cost). Which is precisely the kind of big, overly dramatic gesture that feels like I am trying too hard.
How much is trying too hard? How much is not trying hard enough? How do I calibrate effort, when it comes to other peoples expectations and getting results from other people?
It may be that I have a lot of ... ineffective experience in trying to get other people to respond in a way that I recognize and understand, that has limited my expectations on what is appropriate in terms of my own expressions. Short version, my ex wife, my father (and mother, but mostly father), and other people around me as I grew up gave wildly different, inconsistent responses to my efforts. Randomized responses to stimuli result can result in... well, this.
Rationally, I should just calibrate my expectations to what I have seen before. Live my life as I want, and let them include me, or not, as they will. It Should be easier that way.
But it is also true that I want more. I mean, at least a little more. I want to see my nephews and nieces (and great niece) growing up. I want to be a part of their lives. And giving up on trying feels just as dramatic as trying too hard.
I don't expect answers. Not going to lie, just writing it out is vastly helpful (I suspect that this is the entirely right audience to understand that). And I know enough to know (or at least rationally expect) I will be looped into at Some point. Maybe not as soon as I would like, but ... that is what I get.
For whatever reasons, I am not treated as an "adult".
Amd as our mother ages, as my nieces and nephews are growing up, as things move forward in everyones life, I am here in Seattle, living well and ... no one there cares. People HERE care. I have C (who Understands Me, which I cannot with words express the immensity and importance of), I have a decent job, I have stable housing and good food and two wonderful ongoing D&D games. I have the Best Cat Ever (so I am told, by selfsame cat).
And if try to ask my brother to keep me in the loop about family stuff? He doesn't. I mean, he told me when my sister in law got diagnosed with breast cancer. But when I reached out to him to ask to be kept up to date on what to do? He basically did nothing (and, I realized that was going to be the case, so I reached out to her directly and got on her mailing list; there is very very little I can do from here, but I send cards regularly, which she seems to appreciate).
And it stuff like that, that distance, that makes me wonder about doing something dramatic. Makes me look at moving in with Mom or closer to Mom (she is 86ish, doing very well considering, and lives alone in Salinas Ca; I could, in theory, get a transfer within my company to San Jose, and commute, at a non trivial cost). Which is precisely the kind of big, overly dramatic gesture that feels like I am trying too hard.
How much is trying too hard? How much is not trying hard enough? How do I calibrate effort, when it comes to other peoples expectations and getting results from other people?
It may be that I have a lot of ... ineffective experience in trying to get other people to respond in a way that I recognize and understand, that has limited my expectations on what is appropriate in terms of my own expressions. Short version, my ex wife, my father (and mother, but mostly father), and other people around me as I grew up gave wildly different, inconsistent responses to my efforts. Randomized responses to stimuli result can result in... well, this.
Rationally, I should just calibrate my expectations to what I have seen before. Live my life as I want, and let them include me, or not, as they will. It Should be easier that way.
But it is also true that I want more. I mean, at least a little more. I want to see my nephews and nieces (and great niece) growing up. I want to be a part of their lives. And giving up on trying feels just as dramatic as trying too hard.
I don't expect answers. Not going to lie, just writing it out is vastly helpful (I suspect that this is the entirely right audience to understand that). And I know enough to know (or at least rationally expect) I will be looped into at Some point. Maybe not as soon as I would like, but ... that is what I get.
