Money

[coffeedaiv]

As noted previously (elsewhere, certainly, but probably here) my mom died. It's not a fresh thing; on the upcoming Mother'd day, it will be two years (and that she had the courtesy to die on Mother's day, thus consolidating at least some of the grief of that anniversary into a single day, speaks to how she lived her long and fruitful life). It was, is, a sadness, not a tragedy, and I have talked about it elsewhere if not here. 

In fairness, I don't much expect anyone to hear me, here, with a few noteworthy and well loved exceptions. 

But and so. An aftereffect of mom dying was that my three brothers and I split the estate, including selling her house (Dad died about 7 years ago, also painful, also not tragic, a different sort of experience that I am still unpacking). Which meant I got money. Not 'a lot of money' but certainly enough that I was able to make some measurable improvements in my living situation. Clearing all of my debts, for a start. putting away money for savings, a small investment account, and, oh yeah, I bought a condo. And a bike. 

But more... day to day, I can look at things differently. I can look at events, at social opportunities, and I don't have to immediately discard them as "I cannot afford that, and that's okay." Which was where I was at for rather a long time, honestly. I had to pick and choose and budget, carefully. And I still have to be SOME careful. I am not in a situation where I can drop everything and fly to Hong Kong for Dim Sum on a whim. I don't even have a legal passport, right now (just opened a tab to address that oversight). But a friend just posted about a local film festival, and I thought, hey, that sounds like fun, it's a weekend so no work entanglements, why not? And so, I got a ticket. 

Money doesn't buy happiness. That is what I have been told my whole life. And that is of limited truth. It doesn't buy happiness or time or relationships. And. It does allow me the freedom to pursue those things, without the sacrifices or choices that can exclude many options. Having money solved a number of my problems. And in so doing, revealed an entirely different set of problems behind those (and, to an extent, allowed me to address those (like, paying to copay on my doctor and therapist)). 

I miss mom. I went to a pie shop a while ago, and they had a Chocolate Chess Pie, literally just like Mom used to make, and just seeing that almost made me cry. I had to take a few minutes to collect myself in silence before i could order. Worth it, though, the pie and the memories were joyous. I think i will always miss her. And i think that she provided for me just makes it a little less difficult for me to do so, or at least, gives me some of the tools that I need. And that lesson is something I think she would be pleased to see I have learned.